just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
