you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
