You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
