his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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