Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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