Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
