Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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