her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
