A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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