just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
