I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
