I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
