I will die if light touches me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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