your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
