Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
