i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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