Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Everyone says I win the strip club
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
