All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
