last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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