I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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