I accidentally had phone sex last night
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
