When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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