I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
