Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
