Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
