I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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