It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
