i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
