i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
