in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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