if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
