My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
