I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
