On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Michael Bay diarrhea
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
