girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
if only i could text you this smell
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
