This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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