Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You are a genius and a whore.
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