I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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