note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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