i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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