Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
