She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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