i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
