john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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