I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
