How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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