Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
