i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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