my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
