Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
this boner is exhausting
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
